Evil Gal Productions

Mere Smith
is a recovering Southerner,
longtime TV writer,
author and blogger.
February 14th, 2012 by Mere Smith

Valentine Rhinos

In honor of one of my favorite writers, TheBloggess, her husband Victor, and Valentine’s Day, I offer you this peek into the Secret Life of The Finance and Me:

 

The Finance returns home late after a long day of working at [[REDACTED]].  (I’d tell you where, but it’s possible the Finance might box my ears, and ear-bruises are so hard to explain.  I mean, what do you say?  “I heard myself into a door”?) 

Finance puts his bag down and sees me lying on the couch, cupping my lower belly.  I groan for his benefit:

 

ME:  Grooooooooan.

FINANCE:  (knows what this means) Awh, how was your day?

ME:  I have rhinos.

FINANCE:  Advil?

ME:  (nodshrug) They’re stomping my uterus.  Mean rhinos.  With horns and grudges and—

FINANCE: And what are they begrudging?

ME: The other 25 days a month they can’t get into my uterus.

FINANCE:  You want me to kill them?

ME: NO I DO NOT WANT YOU TO KILL THEM!  YOU’LL ACCIDENTALLY STAB MY UTERUS!

FINANCE:  I thought they were doing that already.

ME: They are!  They’re goring me with their giant rhino horns!  I don’t need you to help them!

FINANCE: (thoughtful)  Hm.

 

The Finance puffs his cheeks out and then makes a blowing sound – tossing his hands outward as if he were Lady Gaga throwing glitter over a screaming horde of Little Monsters.

A beat.  I raise only my left eyebrow.  ‘Cause I can do that.

 

ME:  Okay, and… what?

FINANCE:  I was getting rid of the rhinos.

ME:  Really.

FINANCE:  Yeah, they hate that.

ME:  The rhinos hate it when you act like Lady Gaga?

FINANCE:  Yes.  The rhinos can’t stand when I’m Lady Gaga.

ME:  It didn’t work.  I don’t think they’re fans.  They’re even angrier.

 

The Finance performs his Lady Gaga glitter-throwing motion again.

 

ME:  Why?  Why would you do that when I told you they hate it?

FINANCE:  Well, which do they hate more?  Lady Gaga or your uterus?

 

Now I’m confused.  I want to take out my uterus and bang it on the table.

 

ME:  All of it.  They hate everything.  The rhinos are hateful, hateful, hateful— (cringing)  oooooh.

FINANCE:  You okay?

ME:  They don’t like being criticized.

FINANCE:  Fine.  We’ll talk about something else.  Wanna hear what I had for lunch?

ME:  No, I want you to get rid of these goddamned rhinos.

 

The Finance stares at me, dredging up his Extra Reserve Source of Patience.  After being together for so many years, this Extra Reserve Source has dwindled from the size of the Pacific Ocean to the size of a tiny puddle of newborn mouse pee.

 

FINANCE:  I had chicken, incidentally.  And rice.  But the rice was bad.  Dry, kinda sucked—

ME:  “Waah, waah, my rice sucked, waah.”

 

The Finance twitches as the pee puddle dwindles even further.

 

ME:  Dude, I have rhinos.  They make me bitchy.

FINANCE:  The rhinos.

ME:  It is.  They’re evil.

FINANCE: Right.  So what time are you going to bed?

ME:  You’re trying to get rid of me.

FINANCE: You?  Of course not! (pause) How long do rhinos sleep at a time, d’ya think?

Comments

17 Responses to “Valentine Rhinos”
  1. Happy Valentine’s Day, you awesome lunatics. Oh, that was mean to J. I’m unfairly assuming that dealing with, y’know, this day in and out would lunicize your average person, but he’s got to be way calmer and more even keeled and patient than your average person. Hell, he’s got to be on the shortlist to be beatified by this point, right?

    Right. Where was I? Oh! Happy Valentines Day, for realsies!

  2. Carissa says

    My one good boyfriend. The first one, when I thought the grass was greener. (I was wrong, very very wrong) used to massage my uterus with his fists when the rhinos were on a rampage. It felt lovely. Just something to think about for next Valentine’s Day. Or, month during Rhino Week.

  3. I’m passing this on to one of my friends who also has Rhinos in hopes that companionship will help them disappear together.

  4. peridot2 says

    Yeah, I had those. Best thing I ever did was have my uterus removed. No more rhinos. I’ve never missed the thing. It was evil and tortured me horribly, not to mention that it hated me and tried to kill me more than once.

    Seriously, if you ever wondered what labor felt like, you already know. Rhinos.

  5. Whoever wrote this, you know how to make a good ariltce.

  6. Bon ben c’est parti, je vais mixer des noisettes dès que je suis de retour à la maison ;-)C’est beau, moi aussi j’aime laisser des morceaux de courge dans les gâteaux (au grand déplaisir de mon homme…)Bises !

  7. Yes, that’s crazy. This is the first I’ve heard of spending that kind of dough on a resume! I think that money is better spent earning .37 cents in your bank account. Executive level people should have the experience, appropriate writing skills and general common sense enough to prepare a resume for themselves. As a recruiter, I don’t know how much I would trust someone who couldn’t even buckle down enough to come up with their own resume. How are they going to perform in a new job if they can’t write down their own job history…

  8. Am I reading this correctly?! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Times have been quite rough for me lately and this is definitely a bright spot for me! Not only winning the dress (which is the first thing I’ve ever won), but the sweet words from you Denise in regards to my comment. Your blog is such a place of peace and comfort for me. Your posts are like a big hug and I’ll think of you each time I wear this dress. So again, thank you. And thank you, Horny Toad! I can’t wait!

  9. Hei!!Er inne og kikker på bloggen din nesten hver dag. Du tar så utrolig flotte bilder! Inspirerende nå når jeg skal prøve å få tatt et kult julekort bilde av lille jenta mi. Mulig jeg kommer til å få meg en egen blogg snart. Elsker interiør og holder på å pusse opp et helt hus. Ha en fin førjulstid!

  10. Love it! I love framed mirrors too. The big on over our fireplace was like $28 at Big Lots! Kirklands has a bunch of framed mirrors in all kinds of sizes for reasonable prices too.

  11. AHHHH. Cassey, you wouldn’t want to hear the words that come out of my mouth. Its usually right when you’ll say something like “ahh do you feel that” or “give me five more. I know”. You don’t know many of us but we have this love-hate-love relationship going on. Thanks! Its just what we need

  12. How fun! I love these pictures because I love looking at pictures of me and my brother at the pumpkin patch from when we were little. Such precious memories. The girl's bows are always so cute.

  13. This design is wicked! You definitely know how to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Excellent job. I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

  14. Tom Foolry, interesting name. I suggest you could probably begin with the Full Swing Lessons DVD. Getting your swing right first would make more sense for you, once your swing and technique is refined, then it’s wise to learn some swing drills to maintain consistency and increase accuracy.

  15. Scusa Larsen, preso dalla gioia di aver trovato il mio epitaffio dopo anni di rimuginamenti al riguardo non ho letto la firma finale ma quella in cima.Niente da dire sulla critica della maniera "italiana" di lavorare, sono un freelance pressochè "neonato" a confronto vostro ma conosco anch'io gli "usi e costumi" italiani in ambito lavorativo.Anche perchè non si limitano alla grafica.Andiamo bene…

  16. Worst Sex Advice For Men — The Good Men Project by Doc on Monday, July 9th, 2012 | No Comments Jezebel usually compiles the worst sex advice for women from magazines like Cosmo, but this past week, they turned the tables and compiled the 36 worst sex …goodmenproject.com/good-feed…/worst-sex-advice-for-men/

  17. Olen lukenut sekä Yösyötön, että tämän. Pidin paljon kummastakin. Minäkin nauroin monta kertaa kirjoja lukiessani ääneen. En myöskään jaksa olla ihailematta sitä, että Hietamies saa tavallisista arkisista asioista aikaan näin koukuttavaa tekstiä.

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