50 Tips For Men
That Will Get You Laid
by Mere and @ardentdelirium
1) Keep your nails short and clean. Scratching the inside of my vagina will not endear you to me.
2) Toenails should also be kept trimmed.
3) Nose and ear hair are fucking disgusting. Fucking fix it.
4) Q-Tips are not an “optional” hygiene product. Seeing wax in your ears is like labial superglue.
5) BRUSH YOUR TEETH, GODDAMMIT. It matters.
6) Deodorant is not a substitute for bathing. Employ both regularly.
7) AXE Body Spray? No.
8 ) Moisturizer is not inherently girly. If your skin is so dry it cuts me, I’ma cut a bitch back.
9) If you haven’t shaved in the last 24 hours, you are NOT going down on me.
10) Wash your hands before touching my junk. UTIs suck.
11) Scrub your junk. A LOT. You may not be eye-level, nose-level, and mouth-level with it all, but I am.
12) Trim the pubic jungle. I am not Dr. Livingstone.
13) And while you’re down there? If you’re not circumcised, PULL IT BACK AND CLEAN OUT THE LINT.
14) Wash your sheets. I don’t care that you “just did.” I know this is a lie.
15) Have at least one full roll of toilet paper at your house. I’m not wiping my cooch with the LA Times.
16) Make sure you have clean towels if you are having me stay the night.
17) And for the love of god, please scrub the alien lifeforms out of your toilet and bathtub.
18) If we are at your place, it is your responsibility to have condoms. If we are at my place, it is mine.
19) Quickies and booty calls are fine, as long as they’re not the norm.
20) Watching UFC is NOT foreplay.
21) I’m sure that that text message/email is very important, but put the smartphone down.
22) Always keeping your socks on? Not sexy.
23) I promise not to bitch about my belly as soon as you stop jiggling it and giggling.
24) I know they bear a resemblance, but they are not melons. So don’t squeeze them like they’re fucking melons.
25) Keep lube near the bed.
26) Yes, you will need lube.
27) No, stud, really – even you will need lube. For the good of both our genitals.
28) My clit is not a doorbell. Simply pushing it won’t get you inside.
29) Varying speeds, amounts of pressure, and surface contact are much more effective than just rubbing back and forth.
30) If I tell you I like something, you may repeat it, but don’t be a one-trick pony.
31) If you want to try something even a little weird, ASK FIRST. If the answer is no, NEVER TRY IT.
32) Don’t keep asking if I’m uncomfortable. In fact, your continuous asking makes me uncomfortable.
33) If something is not working for me, I will tell you. Being surprised that I don’t like it won’t make it better.
34) I don’t care if your last girlfriend liked it, if I say don’t do it, DON’T FUCKING DO IT.
35) Regardless of what activities we enjoy, if you ever utter the phrase “two in the pink, one in the stink,” I reserve the right to immediately nut you.
36) Yes, there are “no-sex penalties.” No, I will not tell you what you did to earn them.
37) That being said, I will not withhold sex lightly. That punishes me for your mistakes.
38) It’s really not that unusual for a woman to be aroused. Just like every guy isn’t always a walking boner, not every girl always withholds.
39) Keeping glasses of water within easy reach of the bed will ensure a long & enjoyable session. Taking breaks is encouraged.
40) Rough and tumble is fun. Rough-and-tumbling-off-the-bed-and-hitting-my-head-on-the-wall-while-you-laugh kills the mood.
41) While having sex, if I suddenly jerk upright with a gasp, it’s not because you’re amazing. It’s because you just hit my cervix.
42) Pets on the bed are never acceptable during sexual activity. If necessary, lock them out of the room. If they sit outside the door and whine, put them in the oven.
43) Here’s a tip: if you want more blowjobs, be willing to give more post-blowjob neck massages.
44) If I’m feeling vulnerable, I want to be on the bottom. If I’m feeling powerful, I want to be on top. Pay attention.
45) Afterwards, ask me if I need anything. Most of the time I won’t, but you’ll get future-sex points for asking.
46) If I do need something, understand that I’m not always looking for solutions, but emotional support.
47) You put off way more body heat than I do. Don’t blame me when I try to warm my feet on you.
48) I’m not kidding about the cramps. Also, I am NOT fucking kidding about the cramps.
49) Yes, sometimes I blow you just so I can get back to what I was doing. I was pretty sure you wouldn’t have a problem with this.
50) I like you. I like sex. I want to have sex with you.
SO DON’T FUCK IT UP.