Evil Gal Productions

Mere Smith
is a recovering Southerner,
longtime TV writer,
author and blogger.
June 26th, 2012 by Mere Smith

THE TOURNAMENT OF EVIL! (!!!)

Now that pretty much everyone who ordered them has received their Limited Edition Team Evil Gal T-Shirts, I’m starting a contest that will henceforth be known in historical annals as:

THE TOURNAMENT OF EVIL! (!!!)

That’s right, folks — in return for you shellin’ out the cashola to buy a blood-red shirt with my alter-ego on it, I’m gonna be handing out a couple prizes to the lunatics who can come up with the creepiest or most evil photo involving said shirt.

For instance:

I don’t know about you, but this pic gives me chills. Not the good kind.

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This is E., my Webmaster-slash-Bitch (W/B), sorting through all the shirts when they came in — and yes, he is wearing a creepy-ass Benedict Cumberbatch mask.  What makes the pic even more eerie is the fact that W/B has no idea who sent him this mask in the mail. Seriously.  It just showed up one day.  Which means whoever sent it to him KNOWS WHERE HE LIVES.  As if the mask wasn’t creepy enough.

(And for the record, anyone who can make Mr. Cumberbatch creepy to me, raving fangirl that I am, has done their work admirably.  Well done, Mysterious Mask-Sender.  Well done, indeed!)

So.  Here are the Contest Rules:

1. How To Enter.  Either send your pics to me via Twitter @EvilGalProds, or post a link to them here in the comments.  It will immediately (where “immediately” means “as soon as I can get to it, Mr. Pushypants”) be posted on the Creepy Evil Wall of Shame.

2. A Team Evil Gal T-Shirt Must Be Somewhere In The Frame.  This seems a bit obvious to me, but some people — like W/B — are a little slow, so I figured I’d spell it out.

3. No Animal Cruelty.  Send me photos that even imply such a thing, and I will sic PETA on your ass so fast and so publicly, you’ll vomit up every meat product you’ve ever ingested.

4. Two Entries Per Person. With the exception of folks who sent me pix already (which can be found right now! on our Creepy Evil Wall of Shame), everyone gets two shots at Evility Greatness.  Early gun-jumpers who’re already on the Wall get two more entries, since they didn’t really know they were in a contest when they sent their photos in (though they can select their already-posted photos as submissions if they so choose).  Personally, I find Razorbaby pretty fucking ghoulish, but I’m not a judge.  Which brings us to:

5. Photos Will Be Judged By People Who Have No Idea Who You Are.  In other words: not me.   So don’t A) think I have a grudge against you (which I probably do, but it won’t affect the Tournament), or B) bitch to me if you don’t win.  Just trust me: I have a three-person panel I’m turning to, none of whom have any connection to the Asylum.  Remember: the two criteria I’ll be giving them are “creepy” and “evil”.  However you interpret that is up to you.

6. By Sending In Your Photos, You Are Officially Giving Me The Right To Post That Shit Here On My Blog.  I don’t know the legalese for it, but unless your head’s caved in, I’m assuming you understand how this works.  In other words, if you’re a fugitive on the lam, you probably don’t want to include your real name.

7. This Contest Is Open For TWO WEEKS, and TWO WEEKS ONLY.  No dog-ate-my-photos stories; I am as immovable as Mt. Rushmore.  Which means I might move, but only if covered by glaciers during the next Ice Age and then only over the course of several million years.  So June 27, 2012 – July 11, 2012.  That’s it, no more, that’s the ballgame.

Though of course, I will still accept photos after July 11 — and ’til the end of time — they just won’t be entered into the contest.

Blah blah blah blah, now for the fun part:

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PRIZES!  PRIZES!  PRIZES!

If I were super-rich, I’d be buyin’ y’all Ferraris.

So clearly, there will be no Ferraris.

What there will be are First and Second Place Prizes:

First Place

If your submission is deemed the Creepiest Evil Photo, you get your choice between:

A $25 Gift Certificate to BlackJack Inc., the site for all things Jim Benton, the fab artist who does (among other things) Happy Bunny and Watashibaka:

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OR

The t-shirt you’ll probably be forced to pry out of my cold, dead hands:

Designed by JeffBowan over at redbubble.com

An unofficial BBC’s “Sherlock” shirt, featuring an in-joke so in, no one really understands it.  Talk about cool.

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Second Place

Wow!  Second Place!  Not bad, eh?  Well, in case your high school gym teacher never told you, if you’re not in First Place, you’re a LOSER!  Okay, okay, not a loser — but you get First Place’s leftovers.  Whichever prize the Winner doesn’t choose, you get.  Which is okay, because both prizes are pretty fucking awesome and I’d take either of them, so stop with the moaning and whining, bitchbaby.

And now…

LET THE TOURNAMENT OF EVIL! (!!!)…

COMMENCE!

Comments

6 Responses to “THE TOURNAMENT OF EVIL! (!!!)”
  1. It was clear that good little dolls have no place in this evil world. So she was done in. Using your shirt. Entry One.

    • I’d say, “I’m going to be seeing this in my nightmares,” but quite frankly, after looking at it, I don’t know if I’ll ever sleep again.

  2. I feel cheated.

    • Look, bro, if I posted that picture, not only would you be tagged for eternity as The Guy In That Too-Awful-For-Words Photo (thus severely reducing your chances of ever getting another job with any schmuck who “sort of” knows how to use Google) — in addition, I would have to disown you, which would really suck for you when I start making millions of dollars a year. Be thankful that — for once! — your sister is using a modicum of discretion. Also, I don’t want everyone else to know exactly how fucked up our family is. I’m saving that for the book.

  3. I should get a dishonorable mention then. What is awesome is that was my tame idea I thought you could live with.

    • Fine. Here is your Dishonorable Mention Prize: I’m sending your photo back to you. With digital vomit on it. Now come up with something I can use, damn you! Exploit your children, for god’s sake! What else are they good for?

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