Evil Gal Productions

Mere Smith
is a recovering Southerner,
longtime TV writer,
author and blogger.
June 18th, 2012 by Mere Smith

#VaginaBlogs

Last week, Michigan House Speaker Jase Bolger silenced State Representative Lisa Brown for using the word “vagina” during a speech opposing an anti-abortion bill.  From this sprung the #VaginaBlogs.  

This is my voice.

.

Dear Michigan House Speaker Jase Bolger,

As a woman, it is my right to choose – your speech.

So please stop saying the word “penis.”

I know, I know, you probably haven’t uttered it aloud on the floor of the Michigan House of Representatives yet, but I’m pretty sure you’ve thought it… and likely not even the clinical term for it.  You’ve probably just thought things like, “Ugh, that Democrat wants to reform health care?  What a dick,” or “Those people working to recall me? Cocksuckers!”

While I disagree with your sentiments, I do understand your use of substitutions for the term “penis.”  There are some sentences for which “dick” or “cocksucker” are simply the most colloquially, syntactically-precise words.

And today you tweeted:

@SpeakerBolger: Clearing up inaccurate reports: the word vagina isn’t the issue.

Clearing up inaccurate spin: stop lying, you dick.

Because here’s the rub, if you will.

When I say “vagina,” I am not saying “pussy.”  I am not saying “hoo-ha” or “vajayjay,” “lady garden” or “the bearded clam.”  The only time I actually use the word “vagina” is when I’m discussing my “vajewelry box” with either my gynecologist or my sister.  (And with my sister I usually call it a “vadge,” but that’s because we’ve known each other for over 30 years, so leaving off the last two syllables doesn’t confuse her.)

Thus, when I make the choice to actually use the word “vagina,” it’s usually because I’m in a more formal setting, and “vagina” is what the American Medical Association has officially labeled my “jungle o’fun.”  Again, let me be clear: when I say “vagina,” it is because I am making an effort to be “polite,” using the accepted clinical metonym for the collection of body parts between my upper thighs, including the labiae majora and minora, a clitoris, and my actual vagina – also fondly referred to as my “love tunnel.”

If you would prefer that, in the future, I replace the word “vagina” with any of the synonyms included in this letter, I’d be more than happy to accede to your wishes.  Myself, I tend to lean towards words that lend a connotation of jauntiness to my vagina – as I feel it has a rather jaunty personality to begin with.  For example, some of my favorite appellations are “hot pocket,” “velvet wallet,” and “coochie” (I can’t help it – it reminds me of Charo – Queen of the Jaunt).  Tell you what.  I’ll let you pick, since clearly I cannot be trusted to name my own anatomy in a way you find inoffensive.

Let me know when I can stop by the Michigan State House of Representatives to announce your choice.

Wait – it is your choice, right?

.

Mere Smith

Comments

14 Responses to “#VaginaBlogs”
  1. Can I be you? For just long enough to write my own damn blog & have it be this funny yet pointed? Cuz…damn. #kudos

    • Okay, fine. You can be me long enough to write your own blog. Just dry-clean me before you give me back. *Someone* has to clean me up.

  2. I think you’re confused about the whole “women’s right to choose” thing. It’s about choosing which man makes your pit of shame (that’s a technical term) decisions since you are chromosomally incapable of doing it correctly yourself. I think Speaker Bolger is an excellent choice. He will make sure you keep it free of anything lacking the proper solemnity and decorum. Although technically, you need your father or other elder male relative to sign off on your decision. For your own good.

    • If I didn’t know you, I’d find you. Just like Liam Neeson does the kidnappers in “Taken.”

  3. aboleyn says

    Well done. I bow down to you.

  4. Vajewelry box! Perfect. It is a perfect day now. I know someone who calls the vagina a furknocker(I am unsure of the spelling), I like that one too.
    And wow, these pseudo-men, eh.

    • I must give credit where credit is due, and “vajewelry box” is (patent pending) the creation of Leslie Marinelli, otherwise known as @TheBeardedIris, otherwise known as “one of the funniest goddamn vaginas on the intertubez.” You should check out her site: http://www.thebeardediris.com

  5. I love you all, and am sad I missed the tweet yesterday so didn’t retweet the link to this post.

    • That’s okay, Mels! I mean, I feel a sense of creeping ennui and despair, but I’m pretty sure that’s not your fault. Pretty sure.

  6. Lioness says

    Not all politicians have trouble with the word vagina – or the thought of it. I took this picture in San Francisco just this past week!

  7. My Michigan shame greatly exceeds any vagina shame that moron ever had.

  8. “Jungle o’ fun” is definitely my favorite. I typically use “ladytown” as in, “ladytown is currently closed to visitors” or “the gardner of ladytown needs to clean up the topiary” (there isn’t really topiary, I only wish I had my pubes shaved into the shape of a lion). Great post as usual.

    • It’s possible — just possible — that I snarfed my Diet Coke at “ladytown”. It sounds like a theme park! Hey, wait a minute — somebody get Larry Flynt on the phone! I’m pretty sure he’ll go for this.

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