Evil Gal Productions

Mere Smith
is a recovering Southerner,
longtime TV writer,
author and blogger.
July 30th, 2012 by Mere Smith

The Crap We Non-Olympians Eat

Holy balls, you guys!  It’s the Olympics again!

Yay!  Yay!  The Olympics, the Olympics!

The Opening Ceremony!

(pause)

Hey, y’all, I think Danny Boyle dipped into my stash.

(pause)

Like, deep into my stash.  Look inside there, do I even have any left?

 

**

So the summer Olympics have returned and – unlike the winter Olympics, when everybody’s bundled into their Gore-Tex sacks – we get to see every inch of these athletes’ ideal bodies.  I mean, this is what these people do for a living: activities that sculpt their physiques into shapes that verge on blasphemy, so closely do they approximate divinity, if “divine” is to be defined as absolute perfection.

 

Adonis. Oh, no wait. Matthew Mitcham from Australia.

 

Not a single undulation where there shouldn’t be, not an extra ounce to be found.  They are only and exactly as much as they need to be to perform their task – no more, no less.  They do not exist in excess.

Now, NBC, when not consistently spoiling my viewing experience by forcing me to shun all other media (including Twitter, Facebook, Google+, YouTube, the print newspaper, the radio, and the local TV news on any channel) for fear of learning results before I’m allowed to watch the event, has been airing this commercial from Citi:

In it, you hear the (ostensible) voices of athletes acknowledging the sacrifices they’ve made in order to reach the acmes of their respective sports.  But the one that’s stuck with me over the two dozen or more times I’ve seen the commercial, is the voice of a male gymnast saying, “I haven’t ordered dessert in two years.”

Can we all just think about that for a second?

“I haven’t ordered dessert in two years.”

 

Crazytalk!  Just CRAZYTALK!

 

Clearly the gymnast knows what dessert is, so it’s likely he’s had dessert before.  Obviously he thinks of going without dessert as a sacrifice, or he wouldn’t be mentioning it in the context of this commercial.  So the guy likes dessert.  It’s not like, given a choice, he’d be shunning dessert.

But dude.   Gymnast dude.   You’re telling me you haven’t had one day – just one day – in the last 730 days – where you let yourself have a fucking M&M?

Who could live like that?

(And on a sidenote, can you imagine the uproar it would’ve caused if they’d had a female gymnast say that line?  Oh!  Oh!  Oh, it almost makes me wish the Citi marketing people had been that just that side of stupid.  And I’m usually the last person in the world wishing people would get stupider, for Christ’s sakes.  We’re barely not blowing everything to shit as it is.)

That spirit of asceticism – combined with the Greek statue builds of the athletes – naturally sent me screaming in the opposite direction – more fatty food, more, MOAR! – which called to mind a blog Margaret Cho wrote a few days ago about one of her disgusting comfort foods: cinnamon raisin bagels smeared with a mountain of cream cheese – topped with Doritos.

And that got me to thinking: unlike Half-Step-Shy-Of-Anorexic-Gymnast-Guy, I’ll bet we all have those Secret Disgusting Comfort Foods, those things we’d usually never admit to eating.  That combination of tastes that would likely seem repellent to the general populace – and yet their mixture imparts a sense of personal satisfaction to us that none of the individual ingredients would offer on their own.

I have mine, and now I want to know yours, no matter how repulsive!  (Human flesh excepted.)  (No, that’s not true.  I especially want you to comment if you like human flesh, because that’ll make it much easier for the police to track down your ISP so I’ll eventually be able to sleep again.)

But of course, I am a woman of integrity.  Mostly.  Okay.  I have some integrity most of the time.  So I know I can’t possibly ask you to show me yours without me showing you mine first.  At least, those are the rules I learned in preschool.

Thus, here’s my confession – my Secret Disgusting Comfort Food:

I like to pour Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cap’n Crunch, and chocolate chips into a jar of peanut butter, then eat the whole fucking mess directly out of the jar.

I know.

I know.

It’s revolting.  That’s about 150,000 calories per spoonful if I’ve got my shame-weight calculations right, and even after four years, The Finance has never seen me eat this.  I would be horrified for him to see me eat this – it’d be like him walking in on me sacrificing babies to yard gnomes.  In fact, I think I’d prefer the babies/yard gnome thing because at least then The Finance wouldn’t see my hips expanding in real time.

That’s why it’s called Secret Disgusting Comfort Food.

So speak up, bloggos!  Even if you have to sign in anonymously!  I know someone out there can top me in Disgustingness – some of y’all eat kale and shit and you’re not even joking.  (Though I warn you, if you just make up something gross for the sake of being gross – like, “I eat dog vomit with a sprinkling of cous cous” — I will publicly and repetitively call BULLSHIT on you until you post a picture.  Then you’ll be doing your Secret Thing out in the open, and that won’t be very fun, will it?  In other words: don’t fib, you fucking fibbers.)  So how’s about it?

What’s your Secret Disgusting Comfort Food?

 

UPDATE:  Apparently binge-eaters (like myself, occasionally, much to my shame and chagrin) are experts in Secret Disgusting Comfort Foods.

Comments

22 Responses to “The Crap We Non-Olympians Eat”
  1. I *do* have that sweet-salty comfort food thing – you know, like eating some cheesy-poofs w/ a handful of chocolate chips, but nothing as overtly disgusting as *your* combo. ; ] *smiles sweetly*

    Wait, there *is* this one thing that is actually served in restaurants on the east coast, but when I tell people about it here in California, they seem to find it utterly *revolting* – and though I haven’t had it in *years*, I LOVED IT: peanut butter and bacon sammiches.

    Food of the gods – the fat gods, like Ganesha & Bacchus.

    • Peanut butter and bacon sandwiches. I can see how that might be appealing — sweet, salty, crunchy bacon, soft bread — but would I eat it? AW HELL NAH. You can corner that market all by yourself, sweets! (And I’ve just decided, if it’s something I’d never eat, it definitely counts as a Secret Disgusting Comfort Food.)

  2. Kim in Fargo ND says

    Do baloney and spaghetti sauce sandwiches count? Because I’m sure everybody eats that.

  3. IrrationaliTV says

    I have so many! Here is two because if I do more I’ll get hungry and hit up the vending machine. Kraft macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs and ketchup. Peanut butter, brown sugar, and chocolate chip sandwiches on soft wheat bread then slightly microwaved so the chocolate almost melts and the brown sugar starts to crystallize.

    • Okay, the first one makes me want to vomit, so I know it qualifies as a SDCF. But the second thing… I’m afraid… ooh, how to admit this? I’m afraid I might eat that. ::runhide::

  4. Modwild says

    Well, you know I run with a dangerous crowd when I’m scared shitless to reveal that I can’t think of any food combination I eat that fits the category. Does putting ketchup on my scrambled eggs count?

    BTW – your revolting food doesn’t sound all that revolting to me. Maybe add some chocolate sauce for moisture…

    • I shoulda known, Moddie! ONE OF US! ONE OF US! We sweet-toothers gotta stick together. Though for the record, ketchup on scrambled eggs is an abomination and god’s gonna send you to Purgatory for at least a couple thousand years for that.

  5. My problem isn’t combining awful foods. It’s eating things that should be combined on their own.

    Like: I love buffalo sauce more than anything. I make it myself whenever we do those awful oven chicken nugget things. Or pretty much anything I can put it on. I always end up with too much, though, and I can’t just pour that shit down the drain.

    So I…

    …I eat it with a spoon. Like it’s soup.

    • I literally had a visceral reaction to that last line, E. Like, I physically felt my gorge rise. You win this round, Moriarty.

  6. Well I used to drink amaretto and grapefruit juice..(tongue spasm,shudder).
    I am feeling like I have been missing something here, the best I can come up with is chocolate with cheese or grape jelly with cheese but those are pretty mainstream. On days I don’t want to go to the store I do eye the cat kibble, but I don’t go there, yet. With cheese though…

    • Carole, my love, IN WHAT HUMAN UNIVERSE is it “normal” to eat cheese with jelly? Because I never want to go there in my entire life. Your SDCF? ::STAMP:: APPROVED. (Oh, and my dad used to eat dry dog food. Not, like, by the handful or anything, but because he knew it grossed us kids out.)

      • Gosh, I feel like I won! But really, on a scale with crunchy sweet cereal-peanut butter-chocolate chip ‘pudding’ you like…I am feeling kind of normal. You could freeze that you know…then it is a tasty summer treat. Whoever’s the latest martha got nuthin on me.
        A friend used to put potato chips as a topping on her ice cream…just ruins two great things. Like floats…ah there I go.

      • Cheese & jam is a Big Ol’ Thing (google the two together – there’s even a website: http://www.cheeseandjamsandwich.co.uk/ Except, well, don’t if it sounds revoltin’ to ya. I often eat that for breakfast, but it seems so normal to me it never occurred to me it might be someone’s else’s SDCF.

        Here’s one that will likely gross you, then – Persian-Armenians (I happen to know ; ] ) eat *feta* cheese and jam on bread for breakfast all the time. ‘Cept the word for feta cheese is just cheese, ’cause that’s their idea of just normal cheese. You betcha. I like it, too.

        • And then, Q’gal there is the whole jalapeno(I don’t know how to do the accent marks and whatnot on my keyboard) jelly with cream cheese thing.
          Don’t read the next sentence Mere…imagine The Girl from Ipanema playing as you skip to the cheesecake.
          Bet that would be good with lox too.

          CHEESECAKE!
          And uh cheesecake! With fruit. Fruit that can become jelly.

  7. Pretty much anything is good with cheese! :) The strangest thing I can come up with is that I sometimes have a cheese, onion and dill pickle sandwich, as in sliced dill pickles on the sandwich. Hmmm. I’ll have to think some more.

    • While not necessarily out and out revolting, Sams, I have to say I’d rather chew off my own tongue than eat onions, pickles, and cheese together. Primarily, because two of them are vegetables — which is repellent enough — but imagining what that would taste like? ::heave::

      • Ha! That’s a good sandwich. Also, I rarely eat jelly or jam but when I’m at my brother & sister-in-law’s and can’t resist my brother’s homemade bread, I always put cheese and jam together on my toast so that I can have my protein. Never thought of that as an SDCF. 😀

  8. alyssajanel13 says

    Firmly on Team Sweet Tooth / Sugar Fiend.
    Mine is a sandwich, dense bread to keep it all in place, layered with jelly, marshmallow fluff and Cool Whip. On desperate days, I will dip straight from that blue-lidded tub.

  9. Devil Dinosaur says

    Jam and cheese is an abomination. Just because there’s a web site dedicated to it, to not believe it’s okay. If you don’t believe me, google “lemon party.”

    As for me, since childhood I’ve often enjoyed storing circus peanuts in pickle juice and then dipping them in cherry cough syrup. If you’re going to try it, I recommend stopping once your heart begins skipping beats and/or you can’t feel your scalp anymore.

    • ::laugh::

      Sorry it took me so long to publish your comment, Devil Dinosaur — I’ve been working on other stuff and hadn’t gotten to the blog in a while — and first-time commenters I actually have to “approve.” Which is ridiculous, considering I’m much more partial to answers that are socially unacceptable. So of course as soon as I finish this comment, I’m going to go Google “lemon party”.

      And though I started off wanting to know what people’s real Secret Disgusting Comfort Foods were, I have to admit that circus peanuts fermented in pickle juice and then dipped in cherry cough syrup made me want to vomit through every orifice in my head. So: well done, you!

      Thanks for dropping by the site!

  10. peridot2 says

    Crunchy Cheetos dipped in plain whipping cream. There’s enough salt and fat in that to clog up anyone’s arteries. When I feel self-destructive I want to do real damage.

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