Evil Gal Productions

Mere Smith
is a recovering Southerner,
longtime TV writer,
author and blogger.
September 18th, 2012 by Mere Smith

I’m Kloutta Here! PART I – Glittery Seventh Grade Bitch

Want to succeed as a writer?

Well, first there’s this great article.

And second, some personal advice from me to you:

.

Never, never, never,

ever,

ever, ever, ever

not in a vajillion years

.

NEVER

EVER

join

Klout.

.

Don’t know what Klout is?

You lucky, lucky fucker.

Step away, then.

Nothing to see here.

Oh, but I get it: you’re one of those folks who sticks a hand behind the shower curtain, wanting to know how hot the water “really” is, even after somebody’s screamed, jumped out of the tub, slipped on the floor and broken his neck.

Yeah, me too.

So here’s the short version: Klout purports to be a site that measures and ranks your online “influence” via social media.

Here’s the long version: Klout is a soul-shredding H.G. Wellsian site-vampire that sucks up pornographically obscene amounts of your life while you increase the time you spend online in a desperate attempt to earn more points/free shit/greater self-esteem by racking up a higher “score” according to Klout’s Lennie-Small-inspired algorithm.

* * *

Don’t get me wrong.  Klout has pretty buttons and whistles.  (When they work.)

In fact, Klout is one glittery seventh grade bitch, doling out judgment and approval like only a Mean Girl/malignant narcissist can.

Sign into Klout and Klout gives you five points.

That’s right!  Five points!  Just for showing up.  (It’s like being a Kardashian at a nightclub opening – only without the sulfur residue in the booth.)  These points are called “K”s – y’know, initials, y’all, whutwhut — shorter, catchier, hip, right? – and you, in turn, can give these “K”s to your friends.  That’s right: you wield the power.  You decide who should be popular — righting all the injustices of your adolescence!  After all, who deserves those “K”s for having your back in the Great Twitter Debate of 2012 (Instagram: Breakfast Pics v. Dinner Pics: Which Meal Looks More Retro)?

Klout seduces you with presents – giveaways of real fucking things that they send IRFuckingL mail! – called “Perks.”  Free things!  Sent to you for free!  Which reminds me, right now I have ten packets of name-brand iced tea sitting in my cabinet, if you want them.  I don’t drink tea – never have – but hey!  Free fucking tea!

Klout also decorates you with “Achievements” (can you feel the pride, you pale and squishy indoor Hobbits?  You have Achieved!), which are computer icons – icons, people, pixels – as prizes for your continued involvement in their site.   Your heart swells like a party balloon – thin rubbery love on the outside, empty air on the inside.

But at its core, Klout manipulates people who need constant reassurance and validation (hello, Writers!), and it does so by providing an “objective” method – alas, clandestine and undisclosed by Klout (though that makes it sound more Illuminati than the banal truth: its “math” — and never have I air-quoted harder — is “intellectual” — okay, now I have — property) – that Klout’s clients can use to contextualize themselves online, enabling them to compare their own scores to both their heroes and their enemies.

.

Yes, it’s true.

People do have archenemies, and Klout has just risen to the top of my list.  (Or sunk to the bottom?  Frankly, I’m not sure I remember how Archenemies Lists work; I haven’t made one since middle school.)  Anyway, in the spirit of seventh grade, from now on I will be shunning Klout in the lunchroom, laughing at its outfits, and not returning its calls or texts, all while showing them to my Real Friends and bitching histrionically about how pathetic Klout is – why can’t it just take a hint?

* * *

But why have I turned on Klout like this?

Because it owes me.

Time.

Klout owes me a shitload of time.

.

NEXT POST

I’m Kloutta Here!: PART II

Why I Am Weak And Don’t Deserve Internet Privileges

Comments

18 Responses to “I’m Kloutta Here! PART I – Glittery Seventh Grade Bitch”
  1. lol, I’d completely forgotten about Klout until I saw this tweet. Shows how not into it I was anymore. 😉

    • Yeah, I think the exodus is reaching a tipping point. It’s just too much fucking work for free tea.

  2. I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy to quit a service as I was to quit Klout. If you made a Venn Diagram of Evil, Incompetence and Addictability, Klout would be right in the center, flipping you off, stealing your wallet, and telling your friends and coworkers that you’re way less cool than some stage magician named Loki.

    Good riddance.

  3. NYPinTA says

    But who’s going to give me Klout in Dyson?!

    Also, I never got the hang of Klout. I’d think I was giving it out & suddenly I was on a page I didn’t recognize. Like an octenagarian with a new dangled doo-hickey I gave up.

    • Personally, I loved giving you +K’s in Dyson, ’cause it was like rewarding KHR’s #1 fan. But if you can only give it out once every two weeks (or so — I never really figured out what the time limit was between being able to give +K’s in the same category), suddenly you’re reduced to giving people +K’s in shit like “Veterinary Services” and “Des Moines”. And who the fuck gets rewarded for “Des Moines”?

  4. Since I refused to sign into Klout with anything but my Twitter account, I knew I’d never get close to anyone else, plus since I didn’t want to give them my actual mailing address, I refused any perks, except the last one which sounded like a fun deal but I procrastinated too long.

    • Yeah, I think my aversion to FB totally crashed out my score — which made Klout even more annoying, because I’m pretty sure their precious “algorithm” — I’m being generous here — is heavily weighted in favor of the Demon Facebook. So no matter how many platforms I used, no matter how much time I spent on each of them, my score still dropped and dropped and dropped. Now they have my mailing address, and I’ve got bupkes — unless you count some nail polish and impotent rage.

  5. oh I’m so glad everyone else is quitting/has quit klout.

  6. *plots a way to get Mere +K in “Des Moines”*

  7. Uh-oh, guilty as chregad on #2 I love seeing clever quotes, so I pass along those I like. Which for me is the same as #10 I RT those clever quotes. Hmmm. I guess I don’t understand what you meant in #2, then.

  8. That’s a shrewd answer to a tricky question

  9. I couldn’t give up coffee, I admire your strong will. But there are some good teas out there too, so I can recommend the Tea*Shed, they have a beautiful range, anything goes, you can order online (see my post). Clipper also do a lovely Sleep Easy tea, with gorgeous cinnamon and orange flavours, perfect for cold nights before bed. Enjoy!Gaelle …

  10. ilsanta, ammiro il suo sforzo x difendere l’indifendibile ateismo , ma ciò detto: ho letto il libro “dal Big bang ai buch neri” e non vi risulta nulla , in esso, che spieghi come abbia fatto il nulla creare qualcosa,Se mi fosse sfuggito, x un ATTENTO lettore di Libercoli di cosmologìa come lei, sarà un giochetto farmelo presente.Attendo fiducioso /si fa x dire/.SHALOM

  11. 99 sync- that’s the 3rd time I’ve seen a short sale listed that way, obviously your setting the price at whatever the last approval was but either way the seller walks with nada so whats the diff…is honesty the new trend? I can only hope.

  12. If you are trying to lose weight and never gain it back, it requires constant work, exercise and eating less. I lose weight easily and always get fat soon…

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