Evil Gal Productions

Mere Smith
is a recovering Southerner,
longtime TV writer,
author and blogger.
November 1st, 2012 by Mere Smith

Things What I Learned From Halloween 2012

Alas, another Halloween gone by.

.

The sad morning-after dregs.

.

Excuse the premature nostalgia, but Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year.  Absolute favorite.  It even beats out Christmas, because at least with Halloween I don’t have to pretend for a whole month that I’m going to send out holiday cards when I know damn well – again! every year! – I’ll never get my shit together enough to actually buy and sign and address and mail a bunch of fucking cards and so consequently every card I get is like another brick being laid in the foundation of the new wing of my guilt complex…

Anyway.

Here are a few more

 

REASONS WHY HALLOWEEN IS AWESOME!!!

 

1)   It’s the only day of the year we celebrate what I consider my primary skill: “pretending” to be evil.  (I don’t know.  Maybe you don’t use quotes.)

2)   Enough chocolate to gag a Snuffleupagus.  Though come to think of it, it’s possible Snuffleupagi are like dogs, and even a tiny amount of chocolate kills them.  Which, you gotta admit, would be pretty Halloweeny in and of itself: dead Snuffleupagi strewn up and down suburban sidewalks in costumes, crying out for their moms or Big Bird with their last Snuffleupagian breaths…

3)   I can wear comfy pants and a tank top – standard slovenly writerwear – and get credit for a “yoga instructor” costume.  (Though I do have to strap on a bra instead of tucking my boobs into my pants like normal, so that part kind of sucks.)

4)    Scared two year-olds being shoved in front of strangers and forced to parrot something they don’t understand, like “Happy Hawowee,” with no idea why, all while wearing uncomfortable fake identities.  It prepares them for Life.

5)   Getting to give away candy like I’m the Donald Trump of candy.  Except I actually give it away.

.

***

.

The Finance and I had 103 kids come to our door last night.

I know.

“103?” you’re thinking.  “C’mon, how could she possibly know it was exactly 103?”

And I’ll tell y’all.

Because I write this shit down.

Seriously.  I am not kidding.  This is my favorite holiday.

I make The Finance help me, too, though at this point I think he’s just found it easier to float along the River of Crazy rather than fight against the current.

I even try to keep a scribbled list of all the costumes the kids wear – y’know, to see if we can spot trends and test our pop culture knowledge (The Finance’s is zero, by the way – he called a kid in a Transformers costume a “robot” last night and I was all, “Uh, hello?  Optimus Prime?” and then felt super-self-satisfied for, like, hours) though when the Front Porch Superhighway gets clogged like a fat man’s arteries, I have been forced to just scrawl something like “MF’ing load of MF’ing princesses.”

But the numbers?  Oh, I get the numbers right.

Because there is nothing worse than buying too little candy.

Nothing worse than having a five year-old girl come to your house dressed in Army fatigues and combat boots and having to tell her, “Sorry, sweetheart, but I’m unable to support your strong and daring anti-Whore-a-ween feminist protest because I was too fucking stoned or lazy to pick up that extra bag of mini-KitKats.”  Oh hell no.

So I count how many kids we have each year, and make sure I get enough candy to cover 150% of them.

 

How much we needed this year.

 

Halloween 2012

Things What I Learned*:

How To Get Candy

At The Evil Gal/Finance Household

 

1) DO… be under 30.  No shit.  If you show up at my door in plain old jeans and a hoodie sporting more tattoos than I have?  You can just fuck right the hell off my porch, dude.  Wait a day, then buy your own goddamned Halloween candy at CVS for 75% off.  This house is not a candy-welfare state.  I paid good money for those Mr. Goodbars, and if you think I’m just going to share them with you for noth–

Oh my god, I totally went Republican there for a second.  It was like my soul flashed before my eyes.

Here, take some of my candy.  I have plenty.

2) DON’T… pretend you’re trick or treating for more than one person.  Last night I opened the door to find a girl – pfft, “girl” – this chick was 17 if she was a day – holding SIX DIFFERENT BAGS on her arms.  And I’m not talking Halloween bags, or plastic jack o’lanterns.  I’m talking three tote bags, a kid’s backpack, a paper sack, and a plastic grocery bag.

She said she was trick or treating for “the ones in strollers.”  Now, I don’t know if that’s some sort of charity I’m unaware of – The Ones In Strollers – but I didn’t see any strollers in the vicinity – nor do I think that if kids are still riding in strollers, they should be trying to choke down anything as small as Gobstoppers – but of course I gave her candy for each of the bags anyway.  Mostly because if she was hungry enough to eat six bags’ worth of candy, she might’ve been hungry enough to eat me.  I’ve seen “The Walking Dead.”  I’m not taking any chances.

3) DO… be under two years old and dressed in a Yo Gabba Gabba costume with a funny headpiece that keeps falling down over your eyes.  You will get a lot of candy from me.  Like, a lot.  I will literally give you all the candy we have.  In fact, I will go down the block and beat up some other kids and give you their candy.  I’m not joking.   I’ll do it.  You want me to?

4) DON’T… come back twice.  You really think I’m that stupid?  Yet sure enough, this swaggering 12 year-old boy dressed in a golf shirt – I’m not sure if he was pretending to be a golfer, or if he just happened to wear a golf shirt to school that day and was like, “Fuck it, I’m a golfer.  Let’s go trick or treat this bitch.” – came back about 30 minutes after his first visit, bold as brass.  He just stuck that bag out and hollered, “Trick or treat!”  And because I really am that stupid, I grinned and hollered “Happy Halloween!” before it even registered that this was the same Golf Shirt who’d swaggered up earlier.

By that time he’d already grabbed some candy and thrown it in his bag – and he knows damn well I’m not gonna reach in there and take the candy back, right?  With all the neighbors watching?  I’ll suddenly become that crazy mean lady whose house mysteriously burns down on Christmas Eve.  Because of arson.

Evil fucking kid.

I may go as him next Halloween.

Just need a golf shirt.



* A tip of the blog to @louisebrealey

Comments

17 Responses to “Things What I Learned From Halloween 2012”
  1. So, basically the way to get candy at The Evil Gal/Finance Household is to show up as many times as you want, with as many bags as you can carry, without costume, because by the time you get angry you’ve already given out all the candy?

    Noted.

    • Usually this is where I’d unleash some witty yet insulting bon mot, but wielding a candy bowl turns me into a mooshy schmuck so… yeah. Your comment’s pretty accurate.

  2. I will happily relieve you of your candy. you know. to protect you from it’s sugary evil. it’ll give you diabetus, you know. But I am willing to throw myself on that grenade. For YOU.

  3. NYPinTA says

    I love Halloween. I get so mad at those damn do-gooders insisting on Halloween parties instead of letting kids go door to door because they’re “concerned” for the kids “safety”. Control freakin’ asshats.

    I was a dot one year. A giant yellow dot. Yeah.

    • “I was a dot one year. A giant yellow dot. Yeah.”

      This should be nominated for a Nobel Prize in Literature. Just those three sentences.

  4. My one pet peeve about Halloween (besides older teens who don’t bother w/ costumes of course) is a costume with a picture of the character on the front. Hellooooooo!!! Does that character wear clothes w/ their picture on the front?!?! Nuh-uhhh!! But it’s usually little kids so if I gave out candy I’d still give them some. (No trick or treating at my apt bldg. :( Like, EVER.)

    • On the subject of no trick or treaters:

      When I moved into a house on a super-busy street, the first year I thought for sure would be, like, HALLOWEEN KID THOROUGHFARE. So I bought tons of candy and waited by my door… all night… in vain. Seems the street is too busy for most parents’ comfort, and after that, I never got a single trick or treater for eight years, which is A) really sad, and B) why I take such joy in it now. If you get anywhere near me on Halloween and utter the words “Trick or treat,” no matter what you’re wearing, I will probably pelt you with my desperate candy.

  5. THIS is scary: I had my mouse over the word and thought it said shaved. I was like WHAT?! “Scared two year-olds being shoved in front of strangers”

    I miss kids at Halloween. I haven’t had them come to the door in about 15 years. Last time I remember a little princess coming in and sitting on my couch. She was about four. I should have kept her.

    • Uh… Moddie?

      Maybe you should ixnay the eferencesray to stealing other people’s children in the same post where you talk about shaving two year-olds.

      Just a thought.

      • Modwild says

        I’m keeping my options for free housing open if I run out of money. 😉 Asylum, here I come!

  6. Lioness says

    You are so much nicer than I am, Mere. No costumes? No candy.
    Parental trick or treating on behalf of their infants? Give me a break. I smile and say that candy is bad for babies.

    • I can’t help it. It’s like getting to be Mall Santa and Real Santa all at once! The kids dress up and come to you, but you get the credit for giving them presents! Plus they’re all agape and, “Ooooh, you’ve got Reese’s?” and suddenly you’re the coolest thirtysomething in fourth grade!

      Okay, so clearly this holiday is about healing my deep emotional scars.

      That, AND Santa.

  7. Just seeing this post now and have to add my two cents. (Besides, we had a family birthday lunch yesterday and the wee great-nieces were showing off their trick-or-treating skills and getting juice boxes.)

    I’m not a big Hallowe’en fan. Where I grew up we always had to plan our costumes with the thought that it would be raining, sleeting or snowing out I only ever remember one costume. I did enjoy handing out candy to the many children who would come to our house since my mother ran her own kindergarten and so kids from all over town would make their parents come to our house.

    Unfortunately I have lived in an apartment building for many years and nobody comes to the door – inside or out – so I only get to see costumes on the streets on my way home. This year it was very rainy and I only saw three families out in the 10 blocks.

    • Only three families? That’s such a bummer! I know, though, ’cause except for the last 10 years or so, I lived in apartments my entire adult life. Not hearing the giggling before the doorbell was depressing as all hell. I guess that’s why I try to make up for it these days — I was in CUTE KIDS IN COSTUMES WITHDRAWAL! (But not, like, in a scary way. Uh-oh. I wonder if my parole officer reads this blog…)

  8. C'olive Cthlhu says

    If you are in costume (a real effort) I dont care how old you are… you get candy. The older you are the more amusing it better be. Our 50 year old neighbour goes out in a full winnie the pooh outfit, and does a little dance and song. Laugh my ass off at that dude. He gets candy.

    • This is my exact feeling about it! I don’t care if you’re 89 years old being pushed in a wheelchair — if you’re dressed up as Wonder Woman, you get candy. I’d keep an eye on Winnie, though. Make sure his suit zips up the back. 😉

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *