Evil Gal Productions

Mere Smith
is a recovering Southerner,
longtime TV writer,
author and blogger.
July 28th, 2013 by Mere Smith

ONTO TORONTO!

TL;dr

(When my wordy ass is your TL;dr it might be time to get an editor. – Eric)


I write.

A lot.

And in a lot of different ways.


I write TV shows, movies, novels, short stories, essays, blogs, poetry – shh, don’t tell anyone; it’ll ruin all that cred I just built up by saying I write blogs  – and pretty much everything else it’s not illegal for me to write.  (Because when your bank says, “Stop writing checks to Cash for five million dollars because you do not have five million dollars Cash, you insane person,” apparently that’s like some law you’re supposed to follow.)

(Isn’t this the year of Glorious Mistakes? Why don’t you give it a try and see how it goes?)

A lot of this writing I get paid for, which some writers will say is “really nice,” or that they’re “very fortunate” – but me, I will flat-out tell you to your face that getting paid to write is fucking bugnuts orgasm dream-glittery awesomecakes, and though I have been fortunate in some respects, I have also written and produced my chair-flattened ass off through sleepless nights and skipped vacations and mental breakdowns so fuck that “fortunate” shit, I earned it.

But I also write stuff I don’t get paid for, like the obscene amount of time I spend crafting witty 140-character bons mots for Twitter (in my head: Parker incarnate; once posted: the idiot keyboard-punchings of an inbred Sasquatch) (punched by a Sasquatch is exactly what it feels like). Still, I enjoy Twitter immensely, not only for its writing opportunities – you have to be funny, fast, and succinct – something I, more of a long-form gal, always need practice with – but also because the people you follow on Twitter – the very real, human people you come to know through daily check-ins, week after week, sometimes years – they become more than avatars, updates, words.  After a while they become friends.

@saalon*, however, is like one of those tropical parasitic worms you don’t even realize you’ve picked up until it’s too late and it’s feeding off your liver and you’re in the hospital with jaundice hooked up to a bunch of machines and death seems a mercy.

(This…this is the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me, Mere. I need a moment.)

Yes, we’ve formed a merry little hate club within our shared circles on Twitter, @saalon and I – my acting the part of Murderous Badass de Sade, and him the Brechtian Cowardly Lion.  I insult him the same way I insult my brothers – which is to say, profanely, violently,  demeaningly – only without any actual affection attached because… eggh.  I tolerate his persistent intrusion into my life because I occasionally find him useful, and this one time when I was depressed he sent me cupcakes that were bigger than my head.

And I found that useful. (You didn’t get diabetes, so I didn’t.)

@saalon is also extremely organized (my wife just laughed herself into unconsciousness) and knows how to do things – things adults know how to do, like running my website, making travel plans, setting up schedules and deadlines, and somehow forcing my computer to stop doing that weird rrrrrclick sound – from 3,000 miles away in Pittsburgh.  None of these things I could do on my own.  Well, I mean, I guess I could learn to do them but I’m very lethargic and if he wants to be all Hey Gee I’m Competent Guy (this is making me feel great about keeping this website up), hell, be my guest…


One thing @saalon also is, is a writer, same as me.


He published a book called Broken Magic last year, and this year he decided to go to the Toronto Word On The Street Festival — which is this gigantic fucking book fair that over 200,000 people attend every year — to promote and sell it.  When he told me he was doing that, I thought it was a cool, brave idea (wait, what?) – real indie Amanda Palmer TED Talk Art Of Asking proactivity – though I made sure to tell him he’d never sell a single copy and his failure would no doubt disappoint his wife for the last time causing her to leave him after which he’d inevitably die alone in an apartment redolent of cat urine (oh, that’s better).  Like you do.

But then, since he knew I’d been mulling a short story collection for a while, and one of my paying gigs was almost over, he asked if I wanted to publish the collection and come up to Toronto to share the excruciating experience of two people with mood disorders trapped in a tiny booth all day facing down the Canadian Literary Horde.

And I was all, “Hell YEAH I wanna do that!”

And he was like, “Yeah?”

And I was like, “HELL yeah!  But do you still have to go?”

(And now I’m like, “How drunk was I and why didn’t that much alcohol kill me?”)


SO COME SEE US IN TORONTO,

MOTHERFUCKERS!

(that’s Canada!)


SUNDAY

SEPTEMBER 22


TORONTO

WORD ON THE STREET

FESTIVAL


We’ll be selling brand-smackin’ new books!


BROKEN MAGIC by Eric Sipple

THE BLOOD ROOM by Mere Smith

(and my newly-published collection!)

COWFACE AND OTHER HILARIOUS STORIES ABOUT DEATH


WE WILL INSULT EACH OTHER ALL DAY!

WE WILL SIGN YOUR BODY PARTS IF THEY ARE CLEAN!

@saalon WILL SING “SWEET HOME ALABAMA”

TO ALL NATIVE CANADIANS!

IN QUEBECOIS! 

(NOW WAIT JUST ONE GODDAMN MINUTE)


I, personally, would love to see any and all members of the Twitter Asylum, as well as all readers, potential readers, TV geeks, their families, friends, general practitioners, their general practitioners’ general practitioners, AFP fans, gravediggers, pirates, and kaiju!

Join us in Toronto!

(Please! You can’t leave me alone in that booth with her! That’s too much pain to bear!)



* @saalon, aka Eric, aka Sipple, aka Nipple, aka Sipple the Nipple, aka Princess Sippy Cup, aka Sissycat, aka Sisyphus Sissycat

Comments

11 Responses to “ONTO TORONTO!”
  1. […] (Would you rather read the dark mirror of this announcement? Fine, off with you!) […]

  2. So far it appears I’m off that weekend, so this is a real possibility. :)

  3. Hmmm. Just looked at Air Miles flights. I could pull it off if I could bunk at Lioness’s, but I think instead we should plan for you two to do the same thing at next year’s Word On The Street Vancouver! Saalon’s new book will be out by then, right? :)

    Congratulations, both of you. I wish you all the luck in the world. People who go to WOTS are pretty much a captive audience, interested in finding new authors. (New to them, I mean.)

    • Mere Smith says

      I’ve always loved a captive audience.

      Might have something to do with my being the reincarnated Torquemada, though…

  4. NYPinTA says

    I’m a tenative HELL YEAH as well. Thank god I’m not a native Canadian though so he won’t sing at me.

  5. Cha-ching! Congrats! Sounds like an awesome trip and it’s most likely that you will have one more FUCKING BUGNUTS ORGASM DREAM-GLITTERY AWESOMECAKES title to add to your roster by then! :) Also, hi Eric!! Pittsburgh fist-bump. BOOM.

    • Leslie! ‘burgh fist-bump right back atcha! I had some Primanti Bros. the day we announced this to celebrate, so this is a seriously Pittsburgh fist-bump.

  6. Sorry to be the one to tell you but Toronto is not a real place. Neither is Canada. Anything outside of America is all make believe, like Narnia.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *