Evil Gal Productions

Mere Smith
is a recovering Southerner,
longtime TV writer,
author and blogger.
August 7th, 2013 by Mere Smith

You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth


Check this shit out!




All work and no play put Mere on top of the Amazon Best-Seller List!

Also probably in a home, but that’s not for at least a year. Or maybe a little less.


Right, so that last post where I said I have two books coming out in September?

 You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth


This is my third book and it comes out TODAY! 


(And yes, my third book is coming out before my first book and second book,
but there was a scheduling thing and you know what? Just go with it.)


Now granted, I’m stretching a bit, calling You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth “my” book. After all, I wrote one pseudofictional essay (so, like, 2% of the words) and then didn’t do any of the reading, decision-making, editing, designing or layout, because I’m enormously fucking lazy and I hate all that “working” shit. I mean, sit me down in front of a keyboard, I’ll bang on the buttons, but that’s pretty much all you’re getting from me. Though in all fairness, nobody asked me to do any of those other things like designing or layout… but I suppose it’s for the best since, again: enormously fucking lazy.

In reality,  “my” book is actually “our” book and the “our” are a bunch of sassy-badassy women I am proud to know and read online (and who you should read, too – make sure you check their bios for URLs!), all of whom deserve more credit for this book than I do, none moreso than Leslie Marinelli (@TheBeardedIris), our beloved editor, with whom I had a long, earnest email exchange over altering the sentence, “And then I farted.”

(Turned out we both hated it – I fucking hated it when I wrote it, but couldn’t come up with anything better on my own — until Leslie and I collaborated and came up with “writhing colon.” Much more evocative; I’m quite proud of the line now.  As for her, I’m sure she wishes I had never told you any of this.)


But why did you wait so long to talk about this book, Mere?


Hey first, how’d you get access to my blog and why are you yelling at me in bold?

And secondly, the folks responsible for this anthology swore all its contributors to Girl Omerta, which is nothing to screw with. You think cement shoes and the deep sea are scary, try anonymous midnight texts quoting Gwyneth Paltrow:


Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don’t have that many good years left in me.


Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys.


I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.



That’s fucked up, y’all.

Everyone should want to eat cheese from a tin.

Hence I kept my mouth shut despite my desperate desire to shriek from the highest heights, “I’m in this awesome-tits new book and I’m the third story and that’s gotta be some kind of special fucking numerology, right? I have superpowers now?”

Thus, without further ado,

You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth



There are scads of talented, intelligent women’s voices in here, and besides that, mine too!


16 Responses to “You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth”
  1. OH SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, this is how it’s done, bitch tits. You know what? I’m actually GLAD you told our story about the fart line. Because it is when we collaborated on that one little line that I finally realized, “Hey, wow…I want to remove a fart reference? I must be growing up! Better stop eating so much motherfucking cheese from a tin.” YOU. You did that. And you also taught me more about writing dialogue in your one little 2% essay, than I’ve ever learned in any writing class. I’m beyond thrilled to have your brilliant story in this book. Thank you for wanting to be a part of it. Big love, Mere, my dove.

    • Mere Smith says

      Ohhhh no you don’t. You’re not blaming your diminished tin-cheese eating practices on me, young lady. The last thing I would ever do is encourage you to mature — ’cause where’s the fucking fun in that? And thank YOU for not firing me when I sent you an email that just read, “I HATE THIS FUCKING LINE” 500 times in a row. It was only your collaboration that saved this essay, because without a writhing colon, where are we as a society?

  2. I loved your essay, and I love that I had already read it when I learned of the removal of, “And then I farted.” I am honored to be in this book with you, as you are funny as shit.

    • Mere Smith says

      Thank you so much, Amy! And I am THRILLED you liked the essay without That Line. I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating That Line. It’ll probably wind up on my tombstone out of spite.

  3. Lisa Hewitt says

    Hey, Leslie sent me. Yeah her up there. I don;t even know what blog I’m on anymore, but that was funny and I bought that motherfucker. My finger is tired, but I bet, she will have shared this again. And off I go ….

    • Mere Smith says

      Any friend of Leslie’s… is probably someone I shouldn’t hang out with, which of course makes me want to hang out with you. Thanks for buying that motherfucker!

  4. Best book post ever. The end. Ellen

  5. I, for one, can’t wait to read about your writhing colon, so where the hell is my copy? Your post is hysterical, good luck with your Holy Trinity of Books coming out!

    • Mere Smith says

      Rest assured, my writhing colon is headed your way right this minute. You might want to duck.

  6. you’re hilarious — now I’m even MORE excited to read my copy as soon as it arrives!

  7. You have Leslie to blame for the fact that you have one more neurotic angsty writer following you now, as this story made me feel an instant connection. Not a connection like I feel when I see something with pesto, but a connection none the less. Can’t wait to read your story in the book. I just hope mine is before yours so that people don’t compare mine to whatever you wrote. I’m sure it’s freaking hilarious.

    • Mere Smith says

      Come come now, Abby. You and I are adults here. We both know NOTHING can hold a candle to the pesto connection — but I’m still glad you felt a sort of twinge of… well… something, anyway. Though maybe it was just the after-effects of your latest pesto OD. And I can’t wait to read your story, too!

  8. amazon Canada doesn’t have the book in stock yet, although what they say is that it is ‘temporarily out of stock’ but with no date, so I bought the Kindle version for now and will get a physical copy later. Can’t wait to start reading it.

    • Update: I have read the first few stories already, including by the ’round-headed baby’. I think we should call you RHB from now on, Mere. You made me laugh, as always.

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