After working more than a decade in Hollywood, I would love to say I’m so jaded that I no longer react to certain people, TV shows, or movies like a pubescent girl — jumping up and down, clapping, squealing in a pitch only dogs can hear — because then I’d sound all cool and sophisticated and meh.
I’ve always wanted to sound all meh.
But unfortunately I have this condition where I’m a complete dork, so I can’t meh; I SQUEE!
And thus I welcome you to my gallery of SQUEE!, otherwise known as…
Always under renovation.
Acquisitions and framing by QuoterGal
Fangirl SQUEE!ing by She Who If She Had Any Decency Would Stay Nameless But Is Totally Me
Currently the prize jewel in The GallerSQUEE! collection.
That face — cheekbones you could shave your legs on, the perfectly formed Cupid’s bow of the upper lip, crystalline eyes that transition like an 80’s Hypercolor t-shirt — Cumberbatch has also been variously compared to a horse, an otter, and a hammerhead shark. Clearly a mark of his aesthetic versatility.
Also, as a dork myself, I appreciate folks who give good nerd, and Cumberbatch dances like Goofy on ecstasy:
I call this “The Frankenbunny Flail”.
Our next exhibit:
Known in GallerSQUEE! parlance as “Wolf Cop,” Kris Holden-Ried bares his lupine fangs both in “Lost Girl” and “Underworld: Awakening”. He’s also exceptionally polite on Twitter (@KrisHolden_Ried), but that’s because he was born in Canada and according to U.N. reports, Canada is where they manufacture the vast majority of the world’s “nice” nowadays. Hence Holden-Ried’s unrelenting “niceness” on Twitter can be seen as a brilliant piece of nationalistic agitprop, easily meriting his inclusion in the The GallerSQUEE!
It should be noted that he, too, gives excellent goofball:
Now, if you’ll just turn this corner, I’ll lead you to
our next exhibit:
A DaVinci-esque masterpiece of intelligent femininity who contradicts every Hollywood axiom by only getting more beautiful the longer she stays. No overdone fish-lips, no alien face-lifts — this gorgeous artwork is all natural — and talented as hell. From “Karen Sisco” to “Watchmen” to “Political Animals,” Carla Gugino represents the aspirations of women all over the world: powerful, brilliant, respected, and a head-to-toe stunner.
Turning to the opposite wall, you’ll find
our largest exhibit:
You may have noticed that this picture bulges out of the confines of this blog frame.
Let’s call that a thematic choice.
Jon Hamm — or as we refer to him amongst my estrogen circle: The Hammbone, aka, The Bone — is notorious for going commando. Which anyone with — I don’t know — “eyes” — can plainly see in this work of art, if the aforementioned “eyes” are pointed anywhere south of Jon Hamm’s “smirk.” But we all know that smirk isn’t really a smirk, is it? It’s the casual, self-assured smile of a guy who knows — knows — that he is always, 100% of the time — the guy with the biggest dick in the room. Going commando assures that everyone else knows it, too.
Or it could be he just doesn’t like fabric bunching up under his balls.
Either way, I appreciate his bold, artistic commitment. And that’s what’s important to The GallerSQUEE!
BY POPULAR DEMAND ANNEX
A joint-donation from The Estates of QuoterGal and cabri, this beautiful composition has played everything from a murderous hyena boy in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” to a shaven-headed spacemonkey in “Fight Club”. In between, it seems he’s acted in every single role Hollywood has ever offered to an actor ever, meanwhile picking up an Emmy “just for funsies.” (Okay, I might’ve made that quote up.) Though I don’t know him personally — uh… as opposed to everyone else in The GallerSQUEE! — I find myself fighting an undeniable urge to chew on his jawline. More than enough reason to feature him in a frame.